Emotional abuse has long term negative effects on a child’s life. Oftentimes, children are subjected to verbal abuse, intimidation, criticism and refused praise by caregivers i.e. parents.
It is estimated that in the United States of America 2008 approximately 55,196 children were victims of maltreatment and officially counted as victims of emotional abuse perpetrated by parent(s) and or parental figures. However, typically due to their age, lack of understanding most children are unaware they are being abused. In fact, psychotherapist have claimed as adults we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships largely due to the impact from emotional abuse as a child, child welfare information gateway (2008). This number could potentially be higher as emotional abuse is often underreported. In California, only as recent as 2011 has emotional abuse of a child become a reportable offense. In the following letter the writer is addressing her history of emotional abuse and the subsequent impact on her life. It is noteworthy, the writer is an adult at the time of the presentation of this paper who was addressing an adult survivors of child emotional abuse therapy group.
Dear Dad,
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with your abuse of me emotionally. I did not want to believe I was not loved or cared for. But the truth is, when I was a child, all I ever wanted to do was hang out with you, laugh with you, and play games. Most of the time you did not acknowledge my presence. It seemed like the only time you have ever noticed me was when my mother no longer wanted to be with you. Then you talked to me a lot. The things you said no child should ever have to hear. From you I learned that my mother is a whore, she would never be able to take care of me properly, I would grow up to be just like her, and I would never be anything in life, so I should start applying for welfare as soon as I was old enough.
Your behavior did not stop there. When you remarried which seemed like minutes after the ink dried on the divorce papers, you have encouraged and allowed your new wife and kids to speak to me as though I had no feelings and that I was not going through losing my family due to divorce.
Dad, I was a young girl, your daughter and never once did you say an encouraging word or anything that would take away all the fears I had. I would always put on a mask of bravery for you. I was always on your side. I made sure to always have a gift for you even if it was made by my small hands. I wanted you to feel special and remembered. When it was my birthday, you did not say happy birthday instead I asked you what were we doing for my special day, you responded by saying what is special about today, “From forgetting a promise to forgetting a date or an appointment is still abuse because he ought to made an effort to remember.” (Evans 2009) You truly did not know it was my birthday. I realize now you would listen to me talk so that you could learn of my vulnerabilities, then use them against me.
Anything I did that was praise worthy, you would criticize me. But if other people were around, you would pretend you were proud of me, my moment was short lived. I will never forget you at my high school graduation dinner. You said you were paying for the dinner, so that made me feel kind of special, until the check came. The boy I was dating was there to celebrate me and my accomplishment. You allowed him to come to order and eat. Then proceeded in embarassing a 17 year old unemployed kid. Asking him how much he was giving on the bill. After hurting him almost to tears, I sat there sobbing, even that did not stop your trade.
You told me so many lies that you would help me when I wanted to go to college. I was so excited as I applied, only to be totally disappointed when I told you about school and the required fees for enrollment, you gave me your classic excuse dated back to childhood, “I had to pay my rent.” School for me would have to wait. I knew nothing about rent or the cycle of it. Turns out you lied about paying rent. The truth is you never wanted me to succeed. Your intent was to hurt me so that my mother would feel the effects. I discovered throughout my years that I never had stable friendships, every boy I had a crush on at some point he was putting down and humiliating me in front of others. I shared with friends who needed support comfort resources but when I needed they offered excuses.
Every day my life seems like I was born so that others could have someone to hurt. My self esteem was non existent and my confidence went right along with it. In any situation, if someone needed to purge their system, they would use me for target practice! Dad, did you know I was suicidal as a child? By age 10, I was attempting to overdose on pills I found in the medicine cabinet. By age 12, I was using marjiuana and alcohol. By 13 years old, I was promiscuous. I did not care about myself. I never once gave myself a compliment. According to CDC 2018, “It is very difficult to know how common child emotional abuse is. A wide range of behaviors can be considered abusive, and all forms are thought to be under reported. However, sudden changes in the child’s behavior i.e. poor grades, drugs, sexual activity appear to prevalent in emotionally abused children.” I literally lived for someone else to come along and lift me up. However, life is not like that. According to the lost connections, page 126 cites, “If you believe that your depression is due solely to a broken brain, you don’t have to think about your life, or about what anyone might have done to you.” I only attracted people who were intent on harming me. Worse than the above, I allowed the people who said they loved me to hit me, destroy my personal property, and threatened my life. I was defenseless, I could not even verbally stand up for myself. In the article, the relationship between child maltreatment and exposure to traumatic events during later adolescence and your adult hood, “the consequences can be both severe and long lasting (5,6) and may further. Increase and individuals risk of developing psychological disorders later in life (2,7).” (semanticscholar.org) This article describes the outcome of children suffering from horrible treatment from parents. Therefore, childhood trauma should thoroughly be examined as if it were a new species acting strange, take note of what it is and how it came to be.
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